Happy Easter!

Today would've been our first holiday I was pregnant (that we knew). I would've been 24 weeks. That would've been nice. Instead today was our first holiday without Ty. The day didn't really get me down too much. I was looking forward to going to church because of it being Easter and knowing that we ordered an Easter Lily in memory of our son Ty Gavin Fischer.

Every year at Easter (Lily) and Christmas (Pointsetta) my mother-in-law has always purchased two plants with one being in memory of and the other being in honor of. I took a picture of the paper today. Not only did my mother-in-law acknowledge Ty but so did my sister-in-law Sheri and her family. Thank you Sandy and Sheri!
Click on Picture to read it better

I've been meaning to blog since the other night but time gets away from me. I attended my first support group the other night. It's called Angel Babies. I was very nervous and didn't really feel like going but I did. There were a lot of people there. A few couples, a daughter and her mother, and mothers. Heartbreaking stories. I can't believe how much some people go through. I know what I went through was bad enough but these other families stories touched my heart. When it came time to tell my story I didn't think I could do it. I just talked and stared at the table. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. But I was able to tell my story and because of that I feel better. I feel as though I am not alone. I actually now know another mother, another father, another family who have gone through similar circumstances. That reminds me that I am not alone. I didn't cry at the meeting. I thought I would and I don't know why I didn't. I guess part of it may be because a portion of my healing has been to look at the blogs of women who have been through a miscarriage and by hearing each and every story it gets a little easier to hear. I think I teared up a little while I was talking about Ty. As I sit here and type I think of him and tear up a bit. I am looking forward to the next support group next month. I think it helps tremendously. I got to bring home three books that deal with miscarriage and although I haven't began any of them I look forward to reading them and look forward to healing more. It still hurts so much to live each day without Ty. Without him being in my belly and without him being with us. I keep thinking about the future and I can't even imagine it or dream about it because I think about the biggest plan ..... children. I can't think about that without thinking about what I lost. I hope I can heal and I hope I can imagine and dream about the future again someday soon.

A Wish List ....

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

(Found on http://www.our-sma-angels.com/abbylynn/wishlist.htm blog reprinted with permission from, Compassionate Friends, Oakbrook Illinois)

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.
I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.
I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.
I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy".
Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.
Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT...I pray daily that you will never understand.

4 Weeks

It's been 4 weeks since we lost Ty. Everyday seems to be getting better and better. It still consumes my every thought though. That's the hardest part. I try not to think about it too much but I can't help thinking about that wonderful time that he with us. I came across a website the other day and now I think I know what may have caused Ty to stop breathing. I'm not going to point out what I think that is and we will never know what happened but if I allow myself to think I know what happened I have a better handle on things. Does that make sense? I don't blame anyone and I don't blame myself. It gives me comfort thinking that I know what may have caused our son to take his last breath. And I will accept it. Everything that I have been through since finding out that I was going to be a mom has made me a stronger person. I thank God for that. I have struggled with a lot of things over the years and right now I am almost at a place where I am comfortable with my life. With myself. I wish more than anything to go back to March 9th and hear a beating heart on the ultrasound. That is not going to happen so I have allowed myself some time to question everything and allowed myself time to heal. To wrap my head around things. Time does ease pain.