It's been almost a month since I last posted so I thought I would update on what's been going on around here. For starters .... I left my old job and started a new job this week! I was really worried about my decision at first. I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do. Now I know that it was. I had such a horrible time when I went back to work 2 weeks after we lost Ty. I thought I was fine at first .... going back to the hospital where I had given birth to Ty. The first day back was hard on me. The morning was fine but the afternoon showed a change in my mood. I didn't know what it was but I now know that I was just longing for my life to be back to the way it was the last time I worked. My life would never be the same. Then I went on FMLA leave. Slowly everday got better. I still ache for my son everday. I still ache to be pregnant still or to get pregnant again. I know I still have some healing to do before I can even think about trying for another child. Everyday has been a challenge for me but I am adjusting to my new life.
The new job is so far wonderful! The people I work with are really nice and seem to be my kind of people. I feel great getting up everday and looking forward to what kinds of things will be going on at the clinic that day. Even though a large part of our patient load is pregnant women it hasn't really gotten to me too much. I actually like seeing the pregnant women! It takes me back to when I was pregnant with Ty and I loved that time. Although it was short lived I would go through the heartache and pain all over again just to be carrying him again. The one thing that did get to me the other day was a 9-week pregnant woman coming in for spotting after already having 2 miscarriages. It broke my heart. I didn't get to meet the patient because I needed to go to the main hospital for training that afternoon but when she booked her appointment I felt for her. Miscarriage is awful. I hate that that word has become an everday part of my thoughts.
Another thing I love now is that I get to wear regular clothes (for the time being until I get my uniforms back from being embroidered). It feels good to wear dress clothes again. It feels good to actually take pride in my appearance. When I was wearing scrubs at my old job I really didn't care. Everday was wake up and shower and throw on a pair of scrubs. Now I get to wake up and shower and think about what I get to wear. What ever I am in the mood for that day!
In my new job I get to do a lot of different tasks. I love that. It keeps me busy and the day goes so fast. And I haven't even been fully trained in yet. There's still so much more to learn and so much that I will be getting to do on my own that I am just loving everything about it. It takes me back to when I covered for a pregnant coworker at the Family Medicine clinic. I loved when I got to work over there and the everyday tasks I got to do. It takes me back to being truly HAPPY. A time that allowed me to get pregnant in the first place. I am looking forward to that point again.
So other then the new job I guess up until this last week I was just trying to heal and trying to get past the initial heartbreak of losing our son. It gets easier but it's not over. Somedays are alot better then others. I also had been spending some time on Ty's scrapbook. I have done from pregnancy to miscarriage but I still want to put more into it. I want to include his Easter Lily and my first Mother's Day, I want to include his burial, his due date and his angelversary and just things in the future that I had looked forward to. I don't have much from his short existence but he still exists. He will always exist to us.
Last night my husband and I spent some quality time together. I loved when I was on leave and got to spend more time with him .... but now that I am back working I don't get to spend as much time with him or talk to him as much as I like too so last night we went to the big town for supper to celebrate Mother's Day. We did a little shopping for plants for our garden and went out to Applebee's for supper. It was nice being able to spend some time together and I can't wait until the next time. It is so hard being married to a farmer who doesn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done let alone give his wife the attention and time she needs. I should be used to it by now but I guess this year hasn't exactly been easy for either of us. I do love my husband though and wouldn't trade him for anybody else in the world.