3 Weeks
It has been three weeks since we lost Ty. It hasn't gotten much easier. Everday I think about him. Everyday I think why? Everday I wish things could be back to normal. Everday I miss him. I haven't cried very much lately. Today I cried. Today I had a good conversation with Greg about everything and I cried. I needed that. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow may be a good day. Tomorrow may be a bad day, but tomorrow is another day. Another day that I get to live this life and try to make it a good day. Slowly I am getting better. Slowly.
Follow Up Doctor Appointment
I had my follow up with the doctor today. We went over the lab work they did on me and everything came back normal. No answers as to why Ty died. Which in the long run is probably a good thing because we shouldn't be concerned with anything that we did/didn't do, but it also means we don't have any answers. Nothing to try differently next time. Hopefully there will be a next time. If there is they will monitor me closely. I was already looking online the other night at fetal dopplers. I want to be able to rest easily every night knowing if the next baby has a heartbeat but then again I might just drive myself crazy with it so who knows. I know that this has forever changed my heart and my worriness level. I thought I worried before but I am going to be so paranoid from here on out.
It has been a very long week. I went back to work on Monday. The morning went fine but in the afternoon I don't know why my mood changed but I suddenly got depressed. My coworker Nikki knew that something was going on and that I got quieter. I don't know what it was but I just got so sad and so lonely. Monday night on the way home it was starting to storm and I had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get to work the next day and thought about staying with my folks in town but I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my husband. I wanted the comfort of his arms. It was 2 weeks since the day our world turned upside down and it was on my mind as I drove home. I called in on Tuesday morning that I wasn't going to be in because of the weather. All day Tuesday I was very depressed. I pretty much slept the day away. It was blizzarding outside and I felt like I was trapped. I didn't want to be home and missing work so I became more depressed. I didn't want to be a mother who lost her child. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. I had some very thoughts on life and living. Thoughts that scared me. I knew I had to be strong and overcome those thoughts becuase I knew what it would do to my family if I acted on those thoughts. I went to bed depressed. I went to bed grieving for Ty. It was 2 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping baby. I was longing for myself to still be pregnant. Hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. The next morning when I woke up it wasn't a bad dream. I was still without my little boy. I got depressed again and felt like giving up. I called in to work and said I was having a hard time. I crawled back into bed and slept my morning away. When I woke up I felt better. I got up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I did some laundry and dishes and felt better about my life and myself.
So today I went to work. I felt good. It was a good day. Crappy roads but a good day. My morning went by pretty fast until 10:00 when I was called into my supervisors office. Thats when my day turned bad. I was told that I needed to go on a leave of absence or else I wouldn't have a job. Well of course I am going to take a leave of absence. Nothing with my job has gone right since November. When I got pregnant. I missed a bunch of work in November because I was sick and then my grandma died and I can't remember if there was bad weather in there or not, and then December I was sick and of course there was bad weather, and then in January I got really depressed because I got in trouble for being gone so much prior to that and I almost lost my job then but they let me come up with an action plan for my absences. Well around that time I found out I was pregnant and that my sickness was morning sickness and that my depression was pretty much my hormones changing. Well I kinda forgot about the action plan the other night because I haven't exactly been myself lately. In the action plan I was to stay at my parents house when there is inclement weather. The weather forecast was predicting a big storm ...... but I didn't want to think about a big storm because I had enough going on in my head and I was just trying to get through one day at a time. So anyway to make a long story short I am on FMLA for a few weeks. I know I wasn't ready to go back to work on Monday. I just didn't want to be at home by myself thinking about everything and I knew that they needed me at work so I went back. I wasn't ready. I want to think that was but I wasn't. Tomorrow might be a good day. The day after might be better. The day after that may be a bad day. And then the day after that may be a good day again. I don't know. I need to take it one day at a time and time will ease my pain. It won't go away. I will never let go of this experience. I will never forget about Ty. But time will make it better. So if thats what it takes I'm willing to take some time to get better.
It has been a very long week. I went back to work on Monday. The morning went fine but in the afternoon I don't know why my mood changed but I suddenly got depressed. My coworker Nikki knew that something was going on and that I got quieter. I don't know what it was but I just got so sad and so lonely. Monday night on the way home it was starting to storm and I had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get to work the next day and thought about staying with my folks in town but I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my husband. I wanted the comfort of his arms. It was 2 weeks since the day our world turned upside down and it was on my mind as I drove home. I called in on Tuesday morning that I wasn't going to be in because of the weather. All day Tuesday I was very depressed. I pretty much slept the day away. It was blizzarding outside and I felt like I was trapped. I didn't want to be home and missing work so I became more depressed. I didn't want to be a mother who lost her child. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. I had some very thoughts on life and living. Thoughts that scared me. I knew I had to be strong and overcome those thoughts becuase I knew what it would do to my family if I acted on those thoughts. I went to bed depressed. I went to bed grieving for Ty. It was 2 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping baby. I was longing for myself to still be pregnant. Hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. The next morning when I woke up it wasn't a bad dream. I was still without my little boy. I got depressed again and felt like giving up. I called in to work and said I was having a hard time. I crawled back into bed and slept my morning away. When I woke up I felt better. I got up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I did some laundry and dishes and felt better about my life and myself.
So today I went to work. I felt good. It was a good day. Crappy roads but a good day. My morning went by pretty fast until 10:00 when I was called into my supervisors office. Thats when my day turned bad. I was told that I needed to go on a leave of absence or else I wouldn't have a job. Well of course I am going to take a leave of absence. Nothing with my job has gone right since November. When I got pregnant. I missed a bunch of work in November because I was sick and then my grandma died and I can't remember if there was bad weather in there or not, and then December I was sick and of course there was bad weather, and then in January I got really depressed because I got in trouble for being gone so much prior to that and I almost lost my job then but they let me come up with an action plan for my absences. Well around that time I found out I was pregnant and that my sickness was morning sickness and that my depression was pretty much my hormones changing. Well I kinda forgot about the action plan the other night because I haven't exactly been myself lately. In the action plan I was to stay at my parents house when there is inclement weather. The weather forecast was predicting a big storm ...... but I didn't want to think about a big storm because I had enough going on in my head and I was just trying to get through one day at a time. So anyway to make a long story short I am on FMLA for a few weeks. I know I wasn't ready to go back to work on Monday. I just didn't want to be at home by myself thinking about everything and I knew that they needed me at work so I went back. I wasn't ready. I want to think that was but I wasn't. Tomorrow might be a good day. The day after might be better. The day after that may be a bad day. And then the day after that may be a good day again. I don't know. I need to take it one day at a time and time will ease my pain. It won't go away. I will never let go of this experience. I will never forget about Ty. But time will make it better. So if thats what it takes I'm willing to take some time to get better.
Pictures of Ty
For those of you who are interested to see the pictures the hospital took of Ty ..... I have made a little slideshow and posted them at the bottom of my blog.
Pregnancy Checking Cows and Heifers
Today I helped my husband check our cows and heifers to see if they are bred. It was hard and I wasn't expecting that. I was fine at first but after awhile I started thinking about my hospital time and losing Ty. Every time the guy that was pregnancy checking the cows/heifers reached in to feel for a calf/uterus it reminded me of when I was in the hospital when the nurse would come in every 4 hours to insert another suppository. I felt for those cows today. I wondered if it hurt them? It sure hurt me. I wondered if they felt scared? I was scared. I wonder if they knew what was coming next? I didn't know. I wonder if they knew if they had a calf inside them? I knew I had a baby in my womb and I knew that it had died. It was hard. I tried to keep my mind off it but it kept drifting to thoughts I've never had before. I never really thought about a cow and prenancy. It's crazy that I haven't because thats what we do here on our ranch, we breed cows and heifers to calf every year. I thought about seeing the open cows and the open heifers (ones that aren't breed) and I wondered if they were breed at one time and if they had miscarried their calf? I have never thought about that before. My mind was wondering today that is for sure. But I didn't cry. I just thought. I think I'm healing. I think I'm trying to come to terms with what I've been through. I'm trying to learn from my experience.
1 Week
It has been 1 week since we lost our baby. It has been a hard week. We've had a lot of caring people reach out to us through cards, emails, phone calls, flowers, suppers, and caring words. There are a lot of people that are thinking about us that we never knew before wether it be people who know my mom or Greg's mom or people who know our friends and family. The support you get when you lose a baby is tremendous. I just wish it were enough to take away the feelings and emotions that I keep having. My husband has been my rock. He's been a shoulder to cry on and he keeps telling me what I want to hear but sometimes it's just not enough. I've been trying to make sense of everything that has happened but I just can't. I keep wondering why? I know we may never know why but what a comfort it would be to know. To know what to do differently and if we can help it. Everywhere I turn there is a reminder of what we lost. When I turn on the t.v. there is usually a pregnant woman or there is a baby on a show or on a commercial, I've been following some blogs and there are some women who are pregnant and due around the same time that Ty would've been born, I open up my email and I see pregnancy newsletters that I had signed up for and that I've slowly been unsubscribing from, posting to this blog every week became a habit and its so hard reading through everything I wrote on my journey to becoming a mom. Everywhere I look or go there is a constant reminder.
Then there is the lifestyle changes that I made when I found out I was pregnant. I gave up a lot of bad habits for my little guy. It's hard not to go back to the habits though because that's what I know. I'm not pregnant anymore so why can't I have 6 Diet Cokes and a Mountain Dew a day if I want? Why can't I eat fast food every night on my way home if I'm only harming my health. There is no more baby. What I put into my body is only going to harm me. But then I think about what if in those 3 months before I found out I was pregnant ..... what if how I was living my life made this little boy stop breathing while he was in my belly? What if I caused Ty to die? I know I can't blame myself for losing Ty but I do. I am trying so hard not to go back to what I did before I was pregnant for the sake of our future children. I want to be healthy for our next pregnancy so that I can carry a child through to the end. But right now it hurts so bad that all I want to do is take the easy road. Whatever makes me feel better. That's being selfish and I don't want to be selfish.
I bought a book. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I thought it would help but sometimes it makes me sad. It makes me think too much. I had a woman call me from a support group called Visiting Angels. It was nice to talk to her, nice to talk about my experience and my feelings, my emotions, and what I 'm going through. But it also made me sad and made me think too much. That woman had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 8 months. How could she go through that and still be able to have 3 more kids and be strong for other women? What if I go through more miscarriages? What if I make it to 8 months pregnant and have a stillborn? I'm not that strong.
What am I gonna do when the ground thaws and we bury Ty? I may start feeling better and then only have these emotions brought up again when its time to bury him. My mind has just been thinking about all these things and I just want to stop thinking and wondering and feeling. I just want to get back to normal but I know there will never be a normal. We don't have our first child at home with us. There is always going to be something missing from our lives. How does a person go on? I know in time I will find the strength to go on but right now it hurts so bad.
Then there is the lifestyle changes that I made when I found out I was pregnant. I gave up a lot of bad habits for my little guy. It's hard not to go back to the habits though because that's what I know. I'm not pregnant anymore so why can't I have 6 Diet Cokes and a Mountain Dew a day if I want? Why can't I eat fast food every night on my way home if I'm only harming my health. There is no more baby. What I put into my body is only going to harm me. But then I think about what if in those 3 months before I found out I was pregnant ..... what if how I was living my life made this little boy stop breathing while he was in my belly? What if I caused Ty to die? I know I can't blame myself for losing Ty but I do. I am trying so hard not to go back to what I did before I was pregnant for the sake of our future children. I want to be healthy for our next pregnancy so that I can carry a child through to the end. But right now it hurts so bad that all I want to do is take the easy road. Whatever makes me feel better. That's being selfish and I don't want to be selfish.
I bought a book. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I thought it would help but sometimes it makes me sad. It makes me think too much. I had a woman call me from a support group called Visiting Angels. It was nice to talk to her, nice to talk about my experience and my feelings, my emotions, and what I 'm going through. But it also made me sad and made me think too much. That woman had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 8 months. How could she go through that and still be able to have 3 more kids and be strong for other women? What if I go through more miscarriages? What if I make it to 8 months pregnant and have a stillborn? I'm not that strong.
What am I gonna do when the ground thaws and we bury Ty? I may start feeling better and then only have these emotions brought up again when its time to bury him. My mind has just been thinking about all these things and I just want to stop thinking and wondering and feeling. I just want to get back to normal but I know there will never be a normal. We don't have our first child at home with us. There is always going to be something missing from our lives. How does a person go on? I know in time I will find the strength to go on but right now it hurts so bad.
March 10, 2009
This day will forever be in mine and Greg's hearts as the day I delivered our first baby. Our son Ty Gavin Fischer was born at 9:38 pm and weighed 6 ounces and was 8 3/4 long. It's hard to relive the moments we just went through but I do want to get them down so I will never forget.
Monday 3-9-09 - I woke up feeling kinda crummy. I had a sore throat, ear ache, was congested and achy, and the night before I had thrown up so I wasn't quite sure if I was okay or not so I called in sick to work and called and got in with my OB doctor. I went in to the doctor at 10:15 and she checked me out and gave me a prescription for a z-pac for my sinus/cold problems and was going to have them swab me to see if I had the flu. She had me sit up on the exam table to check the baby's heartbeat but couldn't find anything. She told me not to be worried and that my placenta was probably too high and was interfering with hearing it. So I went to ultrasound for them to do a heartbeat check. I knew almost right away that something was going on because the tech was suppose to just check for a heartbeat but she was measuring a bunch of things and asked me who my doctor was. She made a phone call to have Dr. Bradley come in to the room. Dr. Bradley was on her way back from somewhere on an airplane and wouldn't be in until 1:30 so my PA Stacie came in along with another doctor to tell me that our baby had died. I hated being there by myself and hearing that. I've never felt so alone. Stacie took me out of the ultrasound room and back into an exam room where she explained that I would be sent over to the hospital to labor and delivery and go through the birthing process. She gave me a few minutes to make phone calls so I called Greg and my mom. My mom came over to the clinic right away from work and Greg took off from home almost right away. Mom and I left the clinic and went to her house for a little while until Greg got there and then we went and grabbed a bite to eat at Taco Johns before heading back to the clinic. We met with Dr. Bradley briefly at the clinic and she went through the plan with us and then sent us over to the hospital to be admitted. We got settled into a room on the Labor/Delivery wing and got blood work done, (hopefully they might find something that will give us an answer?) got hooked up to the IV, and got started on a supository pill that they inserted through the vagina onto the cervix to help open it up for delivery. Every four hours the nurse came in to insert another pill. Nothing really happened that first night.
Tuesday 3-10-09 - When morning came Dr. Bradley came by to check on me and she said my cervix was still closed. She decided to try me on a different medication. I had just gotten a dose of the old medicine about a half hour before she came in and then I got checked and then had to go through it again with the new medicine. With all that medication getting put onto my cervix I was very sore down there and it got really unbearable. I think I went through a couple rounds of that new medicine and then my last dose before Dr. Bradley was done for the day she gave me a double dose which seemed to do a little more. At 5:00 Dr. Obritsch took over as the oncall doctor and he wanted to try to insert a gel with a catheter to see if that would speed things up. I thought that it was painful before but when he checked me and used that catheter I was in so much pain that I didn't know how much more I could take. We discussed pain management options and he thought I would be better off with IV pain medication instead of an epidural. I asked if I had the IV pain medication and if it wasn't helping then would I still be able to get an epidural and he said yes. I went for the IV meds to start with. I got a little sleepy from that and kept drifting in and out. At this time I also was getting hot/cold spells. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom at one point but since I had just been given the IV meds my nurse didn't want me to get up because I could get dizzy. Thats when they decided to give me a freezing cold bed pan! I couldn't go the bathroom though. I felt like I had to go but I just couldn't. After awhile my back was hurting from the bed pan being under me so the took it off and then the nurse and Greg helped me into the bathroom. When I went I hardly went so it must've been the baby coming out that was causing me to think I needed to go. I got back into bed and was watching the clock knowing that the doctor was coming back to see me shortly to check me and to possibly break my water. He came back and checked me and I was ready to deliver. They wheeled me into a birthing room and the delivery went pretty fast. I didn't actually push much because the doctor was pulling the baby out. It was very painful. I just squeezed Greg's hand and said owie a bunch of times until it was over. The best news that night though was when Dr. Obritsch said that the placenta came out with the baby and that I was fine and wouldn't have to go through surgery on top of all of this.
My mom and Greg's mom were both in the delivery room with us and made some phone calls after the baby was delivered. Pastor Lynne came up and did a blessing for the baby and comforted us. I was happy to have the support I did. The moms, my husband, the nurses, my doctors and Pastor Lynne. I couldn't have done it without them. We spent a few hours in the room with the baby. Just looking at him and cherishing the time that we had together.
We arranged for Eastgate Funeral Home to take the the baby and they are going to keep the baby until the ground thaws. We are going to bury the baby up on the hill in the pasture west of our house once the ground is soft enough. Pastor Lynne will be there to do a short service for us.
Monday 3-9-09 - I woke up feeling kinda crummy. I had a sore throat, ear ache, was congested and achy, and the night before I had thrown up so I wasn't quite sure if I was okay or not so I called in sick to work and called and got in with my OB doctor. I went in to the doctor at 10:15 and she checked me out and gave me a prescription for a z-pac for my sinus/cold problems and was going to have them swab me to see if I had the flu. She had me sit up on the exam table to check the baby's heartbeat but couldn't find anything. She told me not to be worried and that my placenta was probably too high and was interfering with hearing it. So I went to ultrasound for them to do a heartbeat check. I knew almost right away that something was going on because the tech was suppose to just check for a heartbeat but she was measuring a bunch of things and asked me who my doctor was. She made a phone call to have Dr. Bradley come in to the room. Dr. Bradley was on her way back from somewhere on an airplane and wouldn't be in until 1:30 so my PA Stacie came in along with another doctor to tell me that our baby had died. I hated being there by myself and hearing that. I've never felt so alone. Stacie took me out of the ultrasound room and back into an exam room where she explained that I would be sent over to the hospital to labor and delivery and go through the birthing process. She gave me a few minutes to make phone calls so I called Greg and my mom. My mom came over to the clinic right away from work and Greg took off from home almost right away. Mom and I left the clinic and went to her house for a little while until Greg got there and then we went and grabbed a bite to eat at Taco Johns before heading back to the clinic. We met with Dr. Bradley briefly at the clinic and she went through the plan with us and then sent us over to the hospital to be admitted. We got settled into a room on the Labor/Delivery wing and got blood work done, (hopefully they might find something that will give us an answer?) got hooked up to the IV, and got started on a supository pill that they inserted through the vagina onto the cervix to help open it up for delivery. Every four hours the nurse came in to insert another pill. Nothing really happened that first night.
Tuesday 3-10-09 - When morning came Dr. Bradley came by to check on me and she said my cervix was still closed. She decided to try me on a different medication. I had just gotten a dose of the old medicine about a half hour before she came in and then I got checked and then had to go through it again with the new medicine. With all that medication getting put onto my cervix I was very sore down there and it got really unbearable. I think I went through a couple rounds of that new medicine and then my last dose before Dr. Bradley was done for the day she gave me a double dose which seemed to do a little more. At 5:00 Dr. Obritsch took over as the oncall doctor and he wanted to try to insert a gel with a catheter to see if that would speed things up. I thought that it was painful before but when he checked me and used that catheter I was in so much pain that I didn't know how much more I could take. We discussed pain management options and he thought I would be better off with IV pain medication instead of an epidural. I asked if I had the IV pain medication and if it wasn't helping then would I still be able to get an epidural and he said yes. I went for the IV meds to start with. I got a little sleepy from that and kept drifting in and out. At this time I also was getting hot/cold spells. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom at one point but since I had just been given the IV meds my nurse didn't want me to get up because I could get dizzy. Thats when they decided to give me a freezing cold bed pan! I couldn't go the bathroom though. I felt like I had to go but I just couldn't. After awhile my back was hurting from the bed pan being under me so the took it off and then the nurse and Greg helped me into the bathroom. When I went I hardly went so it must've been the baby coming out that was causing me to think I needed to go. I got back into bed and was watching the clock knowing that the doctor was coming back to see me shortly to check me and to possibly break my water. He came back and checked me and I was ready to deliver. They wheeled me into a birthing room and the delivery went pretty fast. I didn't actually push much because the doctor was pulling the baby out. It was very painful. I just squeezed Greg's hand and said owie a bunch of times until it was over. The best news that night though was when Dr. Obritsch said that the placenta came out with the baby and that I was fine and wouldn't have to go through surgery on top of all of this.
My mom and Greg's mom were both in the delivery room with us and made some phone calls after the baby was delivered. Pastor Lynne came up and did a blessing for the baby and comforted us. I was happy to have the support I did. The moms, my husband, the nurses, my doctors and Pastor Lynne. I couldn't have done it without them. We spent a few hours in the room with the baby. Just looking at him and cherishing the time that we had together.
We arranged for Eastgate Funeral Home to take the the baby and they are going to keep the baby until the ground thaws. We are going to bury the baby up on the hill in the pasture west of our house once the ground is soft enough. Pastor Lynne will be there to do a short service for us.
19 Weeks
Today I am at 19 weeks and the baby is as big as a mango! We're looking forward to the ultrasound on the 16th and looking forward to hopefully finding out what we are having. I've been feeling more of the same type of flutter in my belly so I'm pretty sure that when I feel that, it is the baby moving.
Greg and I were in Walmart last Saturday and we were browsing the produce department and low and behold we found us some sweet potatoes! Last week the baby was as big as a sweet potato ...... well Greg was pointing out the most oddly shaped ones and saying is this what the baby looks like? It was kinda comical and its always nice to hear him talk about the baby.
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