Pregnancy Checking Cows and Heifers

Today I helped my husband check our cows and heifers to see if they are bred. It was hard and I wasn't expecting that. I was fine at first but after awhile I started thinking about my hospital time and losing Ty. Every time the guy that was pregnancy checking the cows/heifers reached in to feel for a calf/uterus it reminded me of when I was in the hospital when the nurse would come in every 4 hours to insert another suppository. I felt for those cows today. I wondered if it hurt them? It sure hurt me. I wondered if they felt scared? I was scared. I wonder if they knew what was coming next? I didn't know. I wonder if they knew if they had a calf inside them? I knew I had a baby in my womb and I knew that it had died. It was hard. I tried to keep my mind off it but it kept drifting to thoughts I've never had before. I never really thought about a cow and prenancy. It's crazy that I haven't because thats what we do here on our ranch, we breed cows and heifers to calf every year. I thought about seeing the open cows and the open heifers (ones that aren't breed) and I wondered if they were breed at one time and if they had miscarried their calf? I have never thought about that before. My mind was wondering today that is for sure. But I didn't cry. I just thought. I think I'm healing. I think I'm trying to come to terms with what I've been through. I'm trying to learn from my experience.