1 Week

It has been 1 week since we lost our baby. It has been a hard week. We've had a lot of caring people reach out to us through cards, emails, phone calls, flowers, suppers, and caring words. There are a lot of people that are thinking about us that we never knew before wether it be people who know my mom or Greg's mom or people who know our friends and family. The support you get when you lose a baby is tremendous. I just wish it were enough to take away the feelings and emotions that I keep having. My husband has been my rock. He's been a shoulder to cry on and he keeps telling me what I want to hear but sometimes it's just not enough. I've been trying to make sense of everything that has happened but I just can't. I keep wondering why? I know we may never know why but what a comfort it would be to know. To know what to do differently and if we can help it. Everywhere I turn there is a reminder of what we lost. When I turn on the t.v. there is usually a pregnant woman or there is a baby on a show or on a commercial, I've been following some blogs and there are some women who are pregnant and due around the same time that Ty would've been born, I open up my email and I see pregnancy newsletters that I had signed up for and that I've slowly been unsubscribing from, posting to this blog every week became a habit and its so hard reading through everything I wrote on my journey to becoming a mom. Everywhere I look or go there is a constant reminder.

Then there is the lifestyle changes that I made when I found out I was pregnant. I gave up a lot of bad habits for my little guy. It's hard not to go back to the habits though because that's what I know. I'm not pregnant anymore so why can't I have 6 Diet Cokes and a Mountain Dew a day if I want? Why can't I eat fast food every night on my way home if I'm only harming my health. There is no more baby. What I put into my body is only going to harm me. But then I think about what if in those 3 months before I found out I was pregnant ..... what if how I was living my life made this little boy stop breathing while he was in my belly? What if I caused Ty to die? I know I can't blame myself for losing Ty but I do. I am trying so hard not to go back to what I did before I was pregnant for the sake of our future children. I want to be healthy for our next pregnancy so that I can carry a child through to the end. But right now it hurts so bad that all I want to do is take the easy road. Whatever makes me feel better. That's being selfish and I don't want to be selfish.

I bought a book. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I thought it would help but sometimes it makes me sad. It makes me think too much. I had a woman call me from a support group called Visiting Angels. It was nice to talk to her, nice to talk about my experience and my feelings, my emotions, and what I 'm going through. But it also made me sad and made me think too much. That woman had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 8 months. How could she go through that and still be able to have 3 more kids and be strong for other women? What if I go through more miscarriages? What if I make it to 8 months pregnant and have a stillborn? I'm not that strong.

What am I gonna do when the ground thaws and we bury Ty? I may start feeling better and then only have these emotions brought up again when its time to bury him. My mind has just been thinking about all these things and I just want to stop thinking and wondering and feeling. I just want to get back to normal but I know there will never be a normal. We don't have our first child at home with us. There is always going to be something missing from our lives. How does a person go on? I know in time I will find the strength to go on but right now it hurts so bad.