38 Weeks ......

It's been on my mind these past few days of how far along I would be. 38 weeks. Ty would be joining us anyday within the next couple of weeks. It's been 19 weeks since I held my son. I lost Ty at 19 weeks. I miss him. I wish things would've been different and that we would be bringing our first baby home with us anytime. The thing that's getting to me now is how far along I would be and my due date. These next couple of weeks are going to be a little difficult for me. I try not to think too much about it but my mind wonders and my thoughts seem to lead to thoughts about him. I want so badly to have a different outcome. I want so badly to have an answer. I want so badly to wake up one day and not have a dead baby. I want to move on but I'm also scared to move on. I don't want to forget about Ty as if he was never here, but I also don't want to constantly be reminded of what I lost. One of the toughest things in life is losing a baby. I never knew how many people were affected by that and I never knew the feelings involved but now I will always be thinking of it. The last couple of months at my job we've had a few patients that have been seen for miscarriage or complications that are thought to be threatening the baby and everytime I hear about those ladies I always get a little emotional and I want to help in everyway possible. I can't do much and I feel helpless. But I feel for them. I pray for them. I don't know why God chose our story to happen like this but I feel as if there is a reason that I haven't uncovered yet.

I went to a new doctor last Friday to establish care because I switched networks. I was so scared to change jobs partially for the reason of finding a new ob/gyn. Meeting the new doctor was nice and really put my mind at ease that I did choose the right path for my future. I saw a male doctor and I've never been to a male doctor for my female stuff before but he was very nice and answered all my questions and he can even relate to what I've been through because he and his ex-wife lost a baby at 22weeks. I feel pretty confident that he will be the right doctor for me when we start trying to conceive again. He explained a reason why I may have miscarried and it makes perfect sense. Of course it is not an answer and of course we will never know the reason. It gives me hope that I will carry the next baby to term though. I've decided to wait a few more months before trying again because of the emotional healing after a miscarriage. I don't want to wait but I know that with my history of depression I should probably take a few more months to heal.

I fixed the last post so that there isn't a problem to comment anymore. If you tried to comment before and had problems please try again. I thought more people would comment and was disappointed because I wanted to print the comments to put into Ty's scrapbook.