Ty's 1st Christmas in Heaven .....

I wanted to take the time to recognize Ty on what would have been his first Christmas so I ordered this ornament for our tree.

I also picked this ornament up at Hobby Lobby because the stork did bring us a baby in 2009 just not the way we had hoped.

I've had this blue stocking and a pink stocking for a few years anticipating using them to celebrate this milestone. I finally got to put it on display but wish that Ty was celebrating here on earth instead of in Heaven.

My niece, Hannah, and I went outside to Ty's grave on Tuesday and had to take pictures of this Christmas decoration for him.

Ty's Grandma and Grandpa Hoffer gave us this ornament for Ty.

I gave this ornament to Greg of Ty's feet.

Ty's Grandma and Grandpa Fischer gave this ornament to us for Ty.

Ty's Sweet Cousin Hannah .....

I've been meaning to post this for awhile but have been kind of busy lately. Sometime in October my niece Hannah brought over this pumpkin gourd that she had decorated just for Ty. I kept forgetting to get a picture of it until one day when Hannah was over I decided that I wanted the pictures to be of her holding it.

It says to Ty Fischer from Hannah. And she drew a picture of Ty on it.

Hannah it means so much that you think of Ty as often as you do and do such wonderful things for him. One thing that I was really looking forward to is for you to teach your little cousin everything you know because you are a very smart 6 year old. I know you would've loved on your cousin and protected him whenever you would have been around him. Thanks so much for thinking of Ty this Halloween and Thanksgiving by making this beautiful pumpkin gourd for him. I will forever treasure the pictures I took of you with it. I'm sure Ty is smiling down on you from Heaven and is watching over you very carefully.

October 30th

I was thinking about the importance of today's date off and on all day today. Ty would be 3 months old today if he would've been born on his due date. I would be celebrating my baby's first holiday tomorrow and looking forward to the next two that will be here before I know it. I know I would've dressed Ty up for his first Halloween and I couldn't help but browse the Halloween costumes online to see what he might've been.

Perhaps a cute little horsey!

Or a cute little puppy!

Instead to mark Ty's first Halloween I carved a pumpkin for my angel in heaven.

My Dearest Ty Gavin,

I hope you have the best 1st Halloween in Heaven! Please help watch over all your little cousin's as they go trick-or-treating tomorrow night. I would've loved to have taken your picture with your cousins tomorrow night but instead you will be trick or treating in Heaven with Jesus.

I miss you my precious baby boy.

Love Mommy.

Ty's Candles

I saw this design on a pregnancy loss site and printed it out onto an address label sticker and then I printed another with Ty's name and date on it. I have it sitting on Ty's shelf in our bedroom now.

These candles were all the one's that I lit. The red one in the front is for my husband's cousin Debbie and her husband Dave's son Kolton James who was born at 17 weeks on January 12, 2008 and next to it is Ty's candle. In the back the one on the far right was lit for my brother-in-law Tom and sister-in-law Jennifer's first baby who they lost in the first trimester, the two beside that candle were lit for my friend Jeanine's two 1st trimester loses (she lost babies in between her oldest daughter and son and then between her son and her youngest daughter), the one last one in the back is for all the amazing women whose stories I've read about on a blog or who I know in real life who have also experience a loss. And the tall taper candle is from Ty's Grandma Sandy. She brought that candle and candle holder over to light for Ty.

Next is all the pictures I received from friends and family who lit a candle in rememberance.

Tom and Jennifer's Candle

Grandma Lylia's Candle at work

Tammy's Candle

Patti's Candle

Grandpa Lyle's CandleDonna's Candle

I thank each and everyone of you who lit a candle for Ty. It meant a lot to me and even brightened everything for a few days. May you always remember October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

October 15th

October 15th - Remembering Ty

Tomorrow marks a very important day for me. One that I was dreading and also looking forward to. When we lost our son Ty in March I found out that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was dreading this day because I was thinking how can I ever really celebrate our wedding anniversary (October 14th) knowing the next day (October 15th) I would be remembering the loss of Ty. That day is tomorrow. I type this up as I celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow and it doesn't take away today's celebration. I look forward to lighting a candle for our precious Ty. I'm sending out this email to friends and family tonight because I have had a really tough time with the loss of our son. I do okay with everything for the most part but the one thing that I do not like is that I don't want anyone to forget about him or think that he wasn't real. He was and always will be a special part of Greg's and my lives. Please light a candle at 7:00 tomorrow and let it burn for 1 hour. Remember our son Ty Gavin Fischer who was called to be in heaven with Jesus instead of on earth with his loving parents. Also remember anyone else in your lives who has lost a pregnancy,a baby, or an infant. I know I will also be thinking of my dear sister-in-law Jennifer and the pregnancy she lost in the first trimester, I will think of my friend Jeanine who lost a couple of pregnancies in the first trimester, I will be thinking of my husband's cousin Debbie who lost her second child Kolten James (who is Ty's angel buddy I'm sure) in the second trimester, my friend Missy who lost a few pregnancies in the first trimester and also many of the wonderful women whose blogs helped and continue to help me with my grief over losing Ty. I have one favor to ask of you though. As you light your candle and think of Ty and the other babies please take a picture of that candle for me. Please send me your pictures because I would love to have some pictures of candles lit for Ty to put in his scrapbook. I would be floored if you all could do this for me and I know Ty will be smiling down from heaven knowing how much he's loved by all of you.


October 15th was created to provide support, education and awareness for those who are suffering or may know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant. We hope that we can help you by giving you and all of the other parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, and friends a special day of remembrance. This special day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance is October 15th of every year. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide). Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them."

Robyn Bear, founder of http://www.october15th.com/, and founder of October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day envisioned a day when all grieving parents could come together and be surrounded by love and support from their friends and families, a day where the community could better understand their pain and learn how to reach out to those grieving. This would be a day to reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies’ lives where so brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, there was not a time to talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps, simply didn't know how to reach out. Since October had been proclaimed "Awareness Month", she chose a day, in the middle of the month to become, "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day".

Thanks Aunt Martha!

My Aunt Martha makes beautiful stepping stones. She made Greg and I a couple when we got married and they turned out awesome. Our wedding was a western themed wedding and she put our names and the date of our marriage and used barb wire in the stone. Well .... I went to my cousin's wife Samara's baby shower today and my Aunt Martha brought me 3 stepping stones for Ty's garden. They turned out beautiful. I am just floored by how awesome they look and how nice it was for her to make them for Ty. I was looking for a headstone to put by Ty's grave but didn't have the money to spend on one so my mom asked Martha if she would make a stepping stone for Ty. And this is what she came up with. I absolutely love it!

She practiced first on these two so she could see if she could make it work putting the figurines on top.



I didn't get a chance to put them at Ty's grave but I had to take them out of my trunk and take a picture. I love them so much and am so glad I have such a talented and kind aunt!

Ty's Due Date.

July 30, 2009.

Tomorrow is Ty's due date. I've been having a tough time with this all week. I don't know how to put into words what I feel or what my mind has been thinking these past few days but I do know that I don't want to do nothing. I miss my son so much. I wish so many things for him and for what our lives would have been with him here on earth but no amount of wishing will ever make those things possible. My grief is overwhelming right now. I have to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. It has not been an easy week with my co-worker out on vacation and then throw in what would've been my due date and the emotions along with that and I'm feeling like I'm gonna break. I'm trying to be strong but I almost lost it at work today. Maybe I will have a great day tomorrow. Maybe my son will tell God to bless his mommy with the best day ever since he can't be here to make tomorrow the best day of my life. Please Ty, ask Jesus to give momma a good day tomorrow!!!

I'm gonna stop writing because it will just be the same thing over and over again. Instead I will share with you some pictures that Greg and I took tonight while visiting Ty's grave and remembering our son.

My Mom is a Survivor
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I have heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn’t know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach

That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wares a smile for others...

A smile of disguise.

But through heaven’s open door

I see tears flowing from her eyes

My mom tries to cope with my death

To keep my memory alive.

But to anyone who knows her

Knows it’s her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through heaven’s open door...

I try to tell her

Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her...

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance,

talk to her...

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.

38 Weeks ......

It's been on my mind these past few days of how far along I would be. 38 weeks. Ty would be joining us anyday within the next couple of weeks. It's been 19 weeks since I held my son. I lost Ty at 19 weeks. I miss him. I wish things would've been different and that we would be bringing our first baby home with us anytime. The thing that's getting to me now is how far along I would be and my due date. These next couple of weeks are going to be a little difficult for me. I try not to think too much about it but my mind wonders and my thoughts seem to lead to thoughts about him. I want so badly to have a different outcome. I want so badly to have an answer. I want so badly to wake up one day and not have a dead baby. I want to move on but I'm also scared to move on. I don't want to forget about Ty as if he was never here, but I also don't want to constantly be reminded of what I lost. One of the toughest things in life is losing a baby. I never knew how many people were affected by that and I never knew the feelings involved but now I will always be thinking of it. The last couple of months at my job we've had a few patients that have been seen for miscarriage or complications that are thought to be threatening the baby and everytime I hear about those ladies I always get a little emotional and I want to help in everyway possible. I can't do much and I feel helpless. But I feel for them. I pray for them. I don't know why God chose our story to happen like this but I feel as if there is a reason that I haven't uncovered yet.

I went to a new doctor last Friday to establish care because I switched networks. I was so scared to change jobs partially for the reason of finding a new ob/gyn. Meeting the new doctor was nice and really put my mind at ease that I did choose the right path for my future. I saw a male doctor and I've never been to a male doctor for my female stuff before but he was very nice and answered all my questions and he can even relate to what I've been through because he and his ex-wife lost a baby at 22weeks. I feel pretty confident that he will be the right doctor for me when we start trying to conceive again. He explained a reason why I may have miscarried and it makes perfect sense. Of course it is not an answer and of course we will never know the reason. It gives me hope that I will carry the next baby to term though. I've decided to wait a few more months before trying again because of the emotional healing after a miscarriage. I don't want to wait but I know that with my history of depression I should probably take a few more months to heal.

I fixed the last post so that there isn't a problem to comment anymore. If you tried to comment before and had problems please try again. I thought more people would comment and was disappointed because I wanted to print the comments to put into Ty's scrapbook.

A Letter to Ty ....

I wanted to sit down and take some time to get some thoughts out of my head and I thought the best way to do that is to write this letter. So here goes ....

My Dearest Son Ty,

Mommy misses you so much. I can't believe that it's been 3 1/2 months since I held you in my arms. Even though that was a very painful time for me I would go back to that day just to hold you again. I made a scrapbook about you. I look at it at least once a week. I look at the pictures we have of you, the story of my pregnancy with you, and all the wonderful cards we got. I would be 33 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy with you. You would've been born in 6 weeks if things didn't happen the way they did. You have forever changed my life son. I just wish that you would've changed my life in a different way. I know God has a plan for you. For me. For your daddy. At times it is hard to accept his plan, but at times that is what keeps me going. Believing in him. Believing in his plan for my life. Before you came along Ty, I kind of let myself just exsist. Now I am living my life better and taking steps to overcome the bad habits I acquired over the years. I'm trying to enjoy life more and do what I want to be doing. It makes me sad that you aren't here to be a part of mommy and daddy's lives. It makes me sad that you will never get to know your great grandma, your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. I know that you would've blended in beautifully!


I love you with all my heart Ty! I can't wait to hold you in heaven but until then you keep Grandpa and Grandma Carlson and Grandpa and Grandma Hoffer company.


Love Mommy.


P.S. When we brought you home I bought you these balloons so that everyone who came to be with us that night could all write something to you and we were going to send them up to heaven. Well just like you they left this earth a little too early and no one got to write on them. Mommy wants everyone who reads this blog to write a message to Ty and leave it in the comments (even if you read my blog and I don't know you). Ty would love to hear what you would've said to him had he or the balloons not left this earth so soon.

Ty is Home.

Planting Ty's Garden

Wow I can't believe I haven't posted on here in nearly a month. I've been so busy lately with the new job and trying to get back into a routine that time has just flown by. I am still loving the job. So glad I made the decision to change jobs.


So anyway I've been meaning to post pictures of when we planted Ty's memorial garden. Greg's aunts Doris, Joan, and Shirley, along with his mom Sandy, and his cousin Debbie all came over the Saturday of Memorial Weekend and planted flowers in his garden. The flowers they planted came from their gardens along with a couple my mother in law bought and a few from my friend Jeanine's flower garden. It turned out wonderfully and I've added a few perennials and annuals that I bought. I really need to get outside and take some pictures of how its coming along now.

On Memorial Day Greg and I planted a tree for Ty. I haven't taken a picture of that yet but when I get around to taking the garden pictures I will take a picture of the tree. It's been rainy here the last couple of days and I don't want to get my camera wet.

We also set a date for Ty's burial. It will be this Friday June 12th at 7:00pm. I am looking forward to bringing him home at laying him to rest but I am dreading how I will feel.

Update

It's been almost a month since I last posted so I thought I would update on what's been going on around here. For starters .... I left my old job and started a new job this week! I was really worried about my decision at first. I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do. Now I know that it was. I had such a horrible time when I went back to work 2 weeks after we lost Ty. I thought I was fine at first .... going back to the hospital where I had given birth to Ty. The first day back was hard on me. The morning was fine but the afternoon showed a change in my mood. I didn't know what it was but I now know that I was just longing for my life to be back to the way it was the last time I worked. My life would never be the same. Then I went on FMLA leave. Slowly everday got better. I still ache for my son everday. I still ache to be pregnant still or to get pregnant again. I know I still have some healing to do before I can even think about trying for another child. Everyday has been a challenge for me but I am adjusting to my new life.

The new job is so far wonderful! The people I work with are really nice and seem to be my kind of people. I feel great getting up everday and looking forward to what kinds of things will be going on at the clinic that day. Even though a large part of our patient load is pregnant women it hasn't really gotten to me too much. I actually like seeing the pregnant women! It takes me back to when I was pregnant with Ty and I loved that time. Although it was short lived I would go through the heartache and pain all over again just to be carrying him again. The one thing that did get to me the other day was a 9-week pregnant woman coming in for spotting after already having 2 miscarriages. It broke my heart. I didn't get to meet the patient because I needed to go to the main hospital for training that afternoon but when she booked her appointment I felt for her. Miscarriage is awful. I hate that that word has become an everday part of my thoughts.

Another thing I love now is that I get to wear regular clothes (for the time being until I get my uniforms back from being embroidered). It feels good to wear dress clothes again. It feels good to actually take pride in my appearance. When I was wearing scrubs at my old job I really didn't care. Everday was wake up and shower and throw on a pair of scrubs. Now I get to wake up and shower and think about what I get to wear. What ever I am in the mood for that day!

In my new job I get to do a lot of different tasks. I love that. It keeps me busy and the day goes so fast. And I haven't even been fully trained in yet. There's still so much more to learn and so much that I will be getting to do on my own that I am just loving everything about it. It takes me back to when I covered for a pregnant coworker at the Family Medicine clinic. I loved when I got to work over there and the everyday tasks I got to do. It takes me back to being truly HAPPY. A time that allowed me to get pregnant in the first place. I am looking forward to that point again.

So other then the new job I guess up until this last week I was just trying to heal and trying to get past the initial heartbreak of losing our son. It gets easier but it's not over. Somedays are alot better then others. I also had been spending some time on Ty's scrapbook. I have done from pregnancy to miscarriage but I still want to put more into it. I want to include his Easter Lily and my first Mother's Day, I want to include his burial, his due date and his angelversary and just things in the future that I had looked forward to. I don't have much from his short existence but he still exists. He will always exist to us.

Last night my husband and I spent some quality time together. I loved when I was on leave and got to spend more time with him .... but now that I am back working I don't get to spend as much time with him or talk to him as much as I like too so last night we went to the big town for supper to celebrate Mother's Day. We did a little shopping for plants for our garden and went out to Applebee's for supper. It was nice being able to spend some time together and I can't wait until the next time. It is so hard being married to a farmer who doesn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done let alone give his wife the attention and time she needs. I should be used to it by now but I guess this year hasn't exactly been easy for either of us. I do love my husband though and wouldn't trade him for anybody else in the world.

Happy Easter!

Today would've been our first holiday I was pregnant (that we knew). I would've been 24 weeks. That would've been nice. Instead today was our first holiday without Ty. The day didn't really get me down too much. I was looking forward to going to church because of it being Easter and knowing that we ordered an Easter Lily in memory of our son Ty Gavin Fischer.

Every year at Easter (Lily) and Christmas (Pointsetta) my mother-in-law has always purchased two plants with one being in memory of and the other being in honor of. I took a picture of the paper today. Not only did my mother-in-law acknowledge Ty but so did my sister-in-law Sheri and her family. Thank you Sandy and Sheri!
Click on Picture to read it better

I've been meaning to blog since the other night but time gets away from me. I attended my first support group the other night. It's called Angel Babies. I was very nervous and didn't really feel like going but I did. There were a lot of people there. A few couples, a daughter and her mother, and mothers. Heartbreaking stories. I can't believe how much some people go through. I know what I went through was bad enough but these other families stories touched my heart. When it came time to tell my story I didn't think I could do it. I just talked and stared at the table. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. But I was able to tell my story and because of that I feel better. I feel as though I am not alone. I actually now know another mother, another father, another family who have gone through similar circumstances. That reminds me that I am not alone. I didn't cry at the meeting. I thought I would and I don't know why I didn't. I guess part of it may be because a portion of my healing has been to look at the blogs of women who have been through a miscarriage and by hearing each and every story it gets a little easier to hear. I think I teared up a little while I was talking about Ty. As I sit here and type I think of him and tear up a bit. I am looking forward to the next support group next month. I think it helps tremendously. I got to bring home three books that deal with miscarriage and although I haven't began any of them I look forward to reading them and look forward to healing more. It still hurts so much to live each day without Ty. Without him being in my belly and without him being with us. I keep thinking about the future and I can't even imagine it or dream about it because I think about the biggest plan ..... children. I can't think about that without thinking about what I lost. I hope I can heal and I hope I can imagine and dream about the future again someday soon.

A Wish List ....

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

(Found on http://www.our-sma-angels.com/abbylynn/wishlist.htm blog reprinted with permission from, Compassionate Friends, Oakbrook Illinois)

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.
I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.
I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.
I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy".
Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.
Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT...I pray daily that you will never understand.

4 Weeks

It's been 4 weeks since we lost Ty. Everyday seems to be getting better and better. It still consumes my every thought though. That's the hardest part. I try not to think about it too much but I can't help thinking about that wonderful time that he with us. I came across a website the other day and now I think I know what may have caused Ty to stop breathing. I'm not going to point out what I think that is and we will never know what happened but if I allow myself to think I know what happened I have a better handle on things. Does that make sense? I don't blame anyone and I don't blame myself. It gives me comfort thinking that I know what may have caused our son to take his last breath. And I will accept it. Everything that I have been through since finding out that I was going to be a mom has made me a stronger person. I thank God for that. I have struggled with a lot of things over the years and right now I am almost at a place where I am comfortable with my life. With myself. I wish more than anything to go back to March 9th and hear a beating heart on the ultrasound. That is not going to happen so I have allowed myself some time to question everything and allowed myself time to heal. To wrap my head around things. Time does ease pain.

3 Weeks

It has been three weeks since we lost Ty. It hasn't gotten much easier. Everday I think about him. Everyday I think why? Everday I wish things could be back to normal. Everday I miss him. I haven't cried very much lately. Today I cried. Today I had a good conversation with Greg about everything and I cried. I needed that. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow may be a good day. Tomorrow may be a bad day, but tomorrow is another day. Another day that I get to live this life and try to make it a good day. Slowly I am getting better. Slowly.

Follow Up Doctor Appointment

I had my follow up with the doctor today. We went over the lab work they did on me and everything came back normal. No answers as to why Ty died. Which in the long run is probably a good thing because we shouldn't be concerned with anything that we did/didn't do, but it also means we don't have any answers. Nothing to try differently next time. Hopefully there will be a next time. If there is they will monitor me closely. I was already looking online the other night at fetal dopplers. I want to be able to rest easily every night knowing if the next baby has a heartbeat but then again I might just drive myself crazy with it so who knows. I know that this has forever changed my heart and my worriness level. I thought I worried before but I am going to be so paranoid from here on out.

It has been a very long week. I went back to work on Monday. The morning went fine but in the afternoon I don't know why my mood changed but I suddenly got depressed. My coworker Nikki knew that something was going on and that I got quieter. I don't know what it was but I just got so sad and so lonely. Monday night on the way home it was starting to storm and I had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get to work the next day and thought about staying with my folks in town but I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my husband. I wanted the comfort of his arms. It was 2 weeks since the day our world turned upside down and it was on my mind as I drove home. I called in on Tuesday morning that I wasn't going to be in because of the weather. All day Tuesday I was very depressed. I pretty much slept the day away. It was blizzarding outside and I felt like I was trapped. I didn't want to be home and missing work so I became more depressed. I didn't want to be a mother who lost her child. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. I had some very thoughts on life and living. Thoughts that scared me. I knew I had to be strong and overcome those thoughts becuase I knew what it would do to my family if I acted on those thoughts. I went to bed depressed. I went to bed grieving for Ty. It was 2 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping baby. I was longing for myself to still be pregnant. Hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. The next morning when I woke up it wasn't a bad dream. I was still without my little boy. I got depressed again and felt like giving up. I called in to work and said I was having a hard time. I crawled back into bed and slept my morning away. When I woke up I felt better. I got up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I did some laundry and dishes and felt better about my life and myself.

So today I went to work. I felt good. It was a good day. Crappy roads but a good day. My morning went by pretty fast until 10:00 when I was called into my supervisors office. Thats when my day turned bad. I was told that I needed to go on a leave of absence or else I wouldn't have a job. Well of course I am going to take a leave of absence. Nothing with my job has gone right since November. When I got pregnant. I missed a bunch of work in November because I was sick and then my grandma died and I can't remember if there was bad weather in there or not, and then December I was sick and of course there was bad weather, and then in January I got really depressed because I got in trouble for being gone so much prior to that and I almost lost my job then but they let me come up with an action plan for my absences. Well around that time I found out I was pregnant and that my sickness was morning sickness and that my depression was pretty much my hormones changing. Well I kinda forgot about the action plan the other night because I haven't exactly been myself lately. In the action plan I was to stay at my parents house when there is inclement weather. The weather forecast was predicting a big storm ...... but I didn't want to think about a big storm because I had enough going on in my head and I was just trying to get through one day at a time. So anyway to make a long story short I am on FMLA for a few weeks. I know I wasn't ready to go back to work on Monday. I just didn't want to be at home by myself thinking about everything and I knew that they needed me at work so I went back. I wasn't ready. I want to think that was but I wasn't. Tomorrow might be a good day. The day after might be better. The day after that may be a bad day. And then the day after that may be a good day again. I don't know. I need to take it one day at a time and time will ease my pain. It won't go away. I will never let go of this experience. I will never forget about Ty. But time will make it better. So if thats what it takes I'm willing to take some time to get better.

Pictures of Ty

For those of you who are interested to see the pictures the hospital took of Ty ..... I have made a little slideshow and posted them at the bottom of my blog.

Pregnancy Checking Cows and Heifers

Today I helped my husband check our cows and heifers to see if they are bred. It was hard and I wasn't expecting that. I was fine at first but after awhile I started thinking about my hospital time and losing Ty. Every time the guy that was pregnancy checking the cows/heifers reached in to feel for a calf/uterus it reminded me of when I was in the hospital when the nurse would come in every 4 hours to insert another suppository. I felt for those cows today. I wondered if it hurt them? It sure hurt me. I wondered if they felt scared? I was scared. I wonder if they knew what was coming next? I didn't know. I wonder if they knew if they had a calf inside them? I knew I had a baby in my womb and I knew that it had died. It was hard. I tried to keep my mind off it but it kept drifting to thoughts I've never had before. I never really thought about a cow and prenancy. It's crazy that I haven't because thats what we do here on our ranch, we breed cows and heifers to calf every year. I thought about seeing the open cows and the open heifers (ones that aren't breed) and I wondered if they were breed at one time and if they had miscarried their calf? I have never thought about that before. My mind was wondering today that is for sure. But I didn't cry. I just thought. I think I'm healing. I think I'm trying to come to terms with what I've been through. I'm trying to learn from my experience.

1 Week

It has been 1 week since we lost our baby. It has been a hard week. We've had a lot of caring people reach out to us through cards, emails, phone calls, flowers, suppers, and caring words. There are a lot of people that are thinking about us that we never knew before wether it be people who know my mom or Greg's mom or people who know our friends and family. The support you get when you lose a baby is tremendous. I just wish it were enough to take away the feelings and emotions that I keep having. My husband has been my rock. He's been a shoulder to cry on and he keeps telling me what I want to hear but sometimes it's just not enough. I've been trying to make sense of everything that has happened but I just can't. I keep wondering why? I know we may never know why but what a comfort it would be to know. To know what to do differently and if we can help it. Everywhere I turn there is a reminder of what we lost. When I turn on the t.v. there is usually a pregnant woman or there is a baby on a show or on a commercial, I've been following some blogs and there are some women who are pregnant and due around the same time that Ty would've been born, I open up my email and I see pregnancy newsletters that I had signed up for and that I've slowly been unsubscribing from, posting to this blog every week became a habit and its so hard reading through everything I wrote on my journey to becoming a mom. Everywhere I look or go there is a constant reminder.

Then there is the lifestyle changes that I made when I found out I was pregnant. I gave up a lot of bad habits for my little guy. It's hard not to go back to the habits though because that's what I know. I'm not pregnant anymore so why can't I have 6 Diet Cokes and a Mountain Dew a day if I want? Why can't I eat fast food every night on my way home if I'm only harming my health. There is no more baby. What I put into my body is only going to harm me. But then I think about what if in those 3 months before I found out I was pregnant ..... what if how I was living my life made this little boy stop breathing while he was in my belly? What if I caused Ty to die? I know I can't blame myself for losing Ty but I do. I am trying so hard not to go back to what I did before I was pregnant for the sake of our future children. I want to be healthy for our next pregnancy so that I can carry a child through to the end. But right now it hurts so bad that all I want to do is take the easy road. Whatever makes me feel better. That's being selfish and I don't want to be selfish.

I bought a book. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I thought it would help but sometimes it makes me sad. It makes me think too much. I had a woman call me from a support group called Visiting Angels. It was nice to talk to her, nice to talk about my experience and my feelings, my emotions, and what I 'm going through. But it also made me sad and made me think too much. That woman had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 8 months. How could she go through that and still be able to have 3 more kids and be strong for other women? What if I go through more miscarriages? What if I make it to 8 months pregnant and have a stillborn? I'm not that strong.

What am I gonna do when the ground thaws and we bury Ty? I may start feeling better and then only have these emotions brought up again when its time to bury him. My mind has just been thinking about all these things and I just want to stop thinking and wondering and feeling. I just want to get back to normal but I know there will never be a normal. We don't have our first child at home with us. There is always going to be something missing from our lives. How does a person go on? I know in time I will find the strength to go on but right now it hurts so bad.

March 10, 2009

This day will forever be in mine and Greg's hearts as the day I delivered our first baby. Our son Ty Gavin Fischer was born at 9:38 pm and weighed 6 ounces and was 8 3/4 long. It's hard to relive the moments we just went through but I do want to get them down so I will never forget.

Monday 3-9-09 - I woke up feeling kinda crummy. I had a sore throat, ear ache, was congested and achy, and the night before I had thrown up so I wasn't quite sure if I was okay or not so I called in sick to work and called and got in with my OB doctor. I went in to the doctor at 10:15 and she checked me out and gave me a prescription for a z-pac for my sinus/cold problems and was going to have them swab me to see if I had the flu. She had me sit up on the exam table to check the baby's heartbeat but couldn't find anything. She told me not to be worried and that my placenta was probably too high and was interfering with hearing it. So I went to ultrasound for them to do a heartbeat check. I knew almost right away that something was going on because the tech was suppose to just check for a heartbeat but she was measuring a bunch of things and asked me who my doctor was. She made a phone call to have Dr. Bradley come in to the room. Dr. Bradley was on her way back from somewhere on an airplane and wouldn't be in until 1:30 so my PA Stacie came in along with another doctor to tell me that our baby had died. I hated being there by myself and hearing that. I've never felt so alone. Stacie took me out of the ultrasound room and back into an exam room where she explained that I would be sent over to the hospital to labor and delivery and go through the birthing process. She gave me a few minutes to make phone calls so I called Greg and my mom. My mom came over to the clinic right away from work and Greg took off from home almost right away. Mom and I left the clinic and went to her house for a little while until Greg got there and then we went and grabbed a bite to eat at Taco Johns before heading back to the clinic. We met with Dr. Bradley briefly at the clinic and she went through the plan with us and then sent us over to the hospital to be admitted. We got settled into a room on the Labor/Delivery wing and got blood work done, (hopefully they might find something that will give us an answer?) got hooked up to the IV, and got started on a supository pill that they inserted through the vagina onto the cervix to help open it up for delivery. Every four hours the nurse came in to insert another pill. Nothing really happened that first night.

Tuesday 3-10-09 - When morning came Dr. Bradley came by to check on me and she said my cervix was still closed. She decided to try me on a different medication. I had just gotten a dose of the old medicine about a half hour before she came in and then I got checked and then had to go through it again with the new medicine. With all that medication getting put onto my cervix I was very sore down there and it got really unbearable. I think I went through a couple rounds of that new medicine and then my last dose before Dr. Bradley was done for the day she gave me a double dose which seemed to do a little more. At 5:00 Dr. Obritsch took over as the oncall doctor and he wanted to try to insert a gel with a catheter to see if that would speed things up. I thought that it was painful before but when he checked me and used that catheter I was in so much pain that I didn't know how much more I could take. We discussed pain management options and he thought I would be better off with IV pain medication instead of an epidural. I asked if I had the IV pain medication and if it wasn't helping then would I still be able to get an epidural and he said yes. I went for the IV meds to start with. I got a little sleepy from that and kept drifting in and out. At this time I also was getting hot/cold spells. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom at one point but since I had just been given the IV meds my nurse didn't want me to get up because I could get dizzy. Thats when they decided to give me a freezing cold bed pan! I couldn't go the bathroom though. I felt like I had to go but I just couldn't. After awhile my back was hurting from the bed pan being under me so the took it off and then the nurse and Greg helped me into the bathroom. When I went I hardly went so it must've been the baby coming out that was causing me to think I needed to go. I got back into bed and was watching the clock knowing that the doctor was coming back to see me shortly to check me and to possibly break my water. He came back and checked me and I was ready to deliver. They wheeled me into a birthing room and the delivery went pretty fast. I didn't actually push much because the doctor was pulling the baby out. It was very painful. I just squeezed Greg's hand and said owie a bunch of times until it was over. The best news that night though was when Dr. Obritsch said that the placenta came out with the baby and that I was fine and wouldn't have to go through surgery on top of all of this.

My mom and Greg's mom were both in the delivery room with us and made some phone calls after the baby was delivered. Pastor Lynne came up and did a blessing for the baby and comforted us. I was happy to have the support I did. The moms, my husband, the nurses, my doctors and Pastor Lynne. I couldn't have done it without them. We spent a few hours in the room with the baby. Just looking at him and cherishing the time that we had together.

We arranged for Eastgate Funeral Home to take the the baby and they are going to keep the baby until the ground thaws. We are going to bury the baby up on the hill in the pasture west of our house once the ground is soft enough. Pastor Lynne will be there to do a short service for us.

19 Weeks

Today I am at 19 weeks and the baby is as big as a mango! We're looking forward to the ultrasound on the 16th and looking forward to hopefully finding out what we are having. I've been feeling more of the same type of flutter in my belly so I'm pretty sure that when I feel that, it is the baby moving.

Greg and I were in Walmart last Saturday and we were browsing the produce department and low and behold we found us some sweet potatoes! Last week the baby was as big as a sweet potato ...... well Greg was pointing out the most oddly shaped ones and saying is this what the baby looks like? It was kinda comical and its always nice to hear him talk about the baby.

18 Weeks

The baby is as big as a sweet potato this week! We went to the doctor yesterday for my 2nd OB appointment. Everything went well. The baby's heartbeat was nice and strong and in the 150's. It was nice hearing the heartbeat for the second time ..... it seemed louder and stronger then last time. Everything seems to be going good with the pregnancy. I overdid it at work yesterday and hurt my back a little. I'm fixin to go to the chiropractor in the morning. Hopefully I won't be in too much pain afterwards.

Keep those guesses going on the poll! Our next doctor's appointment is March 16th and that is when we'll have the 20 week ultrasound and hopefully find out if we are going to be blessed with a son or daughter. I am so excited about that and I can hardly wait! Infact I can't wait because my doctor is booking out until the end of March ..... so I set up my appointment with the PA that I've saw up until yesterday's first doctor appointment! I am IMPATIENT!

Well I am off to rest my aching back and to get some much needed sleep!

17 Weeks

Our baby is as big as an onion this week! It's Getting bigger and bigger everyday. I think I felt the baby move the other night .... Greg and I were watching a movie and I was touching my belly and I felt this weird sensation inside .... kinda like fluttering. I've been paying attention to all the little movements in my tummy but this one was definately not like anything I've been feeling. I can't wait to know for sure that it's the baby moving! What an exciting thing.

Here's what it says online about my onion this week! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only 3 more weeks and I will be at the half-way point! I am very excited about that but also very nervous about the whole birthing process and caring for the baby all on our own. Abbie seems to enjoy her life with us so I'm sure we will do just fine with the baby.

Well I better get some sleep. Got a meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00 so I need to get up at 5:00. So not looking forward to that.

~ Don't forget to guess what we are having! It's almost time to find out!

16 Weeks

Watch what you say... tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up your voice. Eyebrows, lashes and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming. And, if you're interested, an ultrasound might be able to determine gender.

I'm in my last week of the 4th month now! I can't believe how time is going by. I've been trying to concentrate on the feelings in my belly to see if the baby is moving or not but I don't know for sure if what I am feeling is the baby or something else going on in my stomach. A few more weeks and I should really feel the baby! 12 days until my next doctor appointment! I can hardly wait because I want to hear the baby's heartbeat again.

15 weeks 1 day

My baby is as big as a navel orange this week! This is what http://www.thebump.com/ has to say about 15 weeks:

Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now outmeasure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.

I can't wait until I can feel the baby move! That is one thing that I am anxiously awaiting.

We got the baby bedding already! I found a really cute set online at Walmart and there were limited quantities so I told my mom about it and she ended up ordering it for us! It is super cute and can be used for a boy or a girl. It's farm-themed and has a horse, cow, sheep, barn and tractor on the quilt and the bumper and then the sheet has some animals on it and the bedskirt ties in colors from the animals. And we got the matching mobile! I can't wait to get the baby's room set up with a crib so I can put the bedding on. That might be a little while yet because we first have to figure out what we are going to do with all the stuff in the baby's room! That will be a fun project ..... who wants to help?

Well I am off to get some much needed sleep!

14 Weeks 2 Days

My baby is about the size of a lemon this week! I love reading the different pregnancy websites and learning all about what is going on inside my body. I am looking forward to feeling the baby move and seeing a baby bump! I know I am getting bigger though because my mom and I had to go out and get some maternity clothes already. We hit up Motherhood at the mall and got a new maternity bra, a tee shirt, and some jeans! We also went to the uniform shop and got a couple pairs of pants that will stretch some and a couple shirts that will stretch for work. In about 6 weeks we can find out if we are having a boy or girl! I added a poll on the right side of the blog for my readers to enter a guess as to what we are having! This should be fun!

Baby News!

I had my ultrasound and doctors appointment yesterday and everything went really well. They said I am 12 weeks 1 day along (yesterday). My due date is July 30th, which was my grandma Carlson's birthday and is my brother-in-law Tom's birthday! The baby looked good on the ultrasound was moving around a bit and had a heart beat of 156. I got pictures and had my mom scan one in but you can barely see anything so I won't be posting on here. Hopefully next time I have an ultrasound maybe I can get it emailed to me or put on a disc! I know that my sister-in-law Lisa is definately looking forward to seeing the baby! I still can't believe I am pregnant and already three months along.

My mom and her friend Patti and I went to a couple places yesterday afternoon to browse baby stuff. Baby Fischer is already getting spoiled! Mom bought her future grandchild 2 onesies, a 3 piece layette, and a boppy pillow. Patti bought baby a onesie, a security blanket and a little pillow to put the baby info on! Everything they bought is gender neutral so it can be used for either. I am planning on finding out the sex of the baby because I am not patient enough to wait for another 6 months to find out. I think my next ultrasound is when I am around 20 weeks.

We're Having a BABY!

I went to the doctor today for a couple reasons, one being a missed period in December, and they did a blood pregnancy test on me. I got a phone call a couple hours later and the nurse told me that I am preganant! This came as a complete shock to me as I didn't even think that I was pregnant but I am just starting to get used to the news now. My doctor called shortly after the nurse and I got off the phone and judging by some dates .... she's thinking I'm about 9-12 weeks pregnant. I am having an ultrasound bright and early in the morning to find out how far along I am and to see when my due date is. I am really excited to see the baby on the ultrasound. That will make it so much more real for me.

I am starting this blog for a journal for our unborn baby. I will update regularly on the pregnancy and the baby's growth and development.

Until tomorrow I'm off for some much needed sleep!