Happy 2nd Birthday Ty!

It's hard to believe that I haven't posted anything on this blog in a year. I probably don't have any readers left. I wanted to stop by and tell you how much I miss you Ty. I sent a balloon up to heaven for you tonight. I also lit a #2 candle and had a piece of red velvet cake to celebrate you. I wish you were here. I wonder how life would be so different with you in it. I know God needed you more then mommy and I am still angry with that decision but I have accepted it and have come to realize that it is all in his plan.

I miss you and love you so much Ty.

I hope you celebrated a great 2nd birthday in heaven.

March 10, 2010

My Dearest son Ty,

Mommy has not been looking forward to this day for awhile now. When the calendar turned from February to March mommy got really depressed. The weather has been awful lately too, wet and foggy which doesn't help with her mood. This day last year was the most awful day of mommy's life. It was the day I lost you. Mommy gave birth to you at 9:38pm on March 10, 2009 and you were teeny tiny and weighed 6 ounces and were 8 3/4 inches long and your heart was no longer beating. I wish there was something mommy could've done differently to prevent losing you. I wish with everything I have that it didn't have to be this way. I don't know how mommy made it through the last year without you. I've been aching to give you a baby brother or sister but your daddy and I have had a little trouble in our marriage since losing you. I think mommy has gotten a lot stronger and realizes what's important in life but your daddy has become someone that I hardly know anymore. My heart hurts everyday that I wake up. I lost you and I lost the man I married. I don't know why daddy has become so distant and why he doesn't seem to care about mommy anymore. When I talk to him he listens to mommy but he doesn't do anything to change the way mommy feels. Ty, can you ask Jesus to put love and caring back into your daddy's heart. It sure would be nice if I had some support from daddy for this dreaded day. I love your daddy with all my heart Ty, but I'm not sure that I can keep living with all of this pain in my heart.

You are so loved baby. I wish you would've met your family. You should've been here today. If you were here you would have two boy cousins very close in age to play with. I am so happy to be an auntie to the most wonderful nieces and nephews a person could ask for, but it also makes me sad that you aren't apart of their lives. Your Grandma Lylia and Grandpa Lyle came out to see you on Sunday. Grandma brought you an angel and a couple balloons for your Birthday. It was really tough getting to you because of all the snow we've had this winter. It was up to our knees in some places.

Your cousins Hannah, Makennah, and Savannah along with your Auntie Sheri brought over some pink roses for mommy yesterday. It really brightened my day. Your Auntie Jennifer emailed mommy a picture of your cousin Dexter and seeing that brightened my day too. Your Grandma Sandy brought mommy and daddy three red roses and a card. I love that I had that distraction yesterday. What distraction am I going to have today? It's not that I want to be distracted from thinking about you son, but I just don't know how much my heart can take.

I hope that your 1st Birthday in Heaven is even more special then what your 1st Birthday on earth would've been because you deserve the best Ty Gavin Fischer.

Mommy loves and misses you very much.

Ty's 1st Christmas in Heaven .....

I wanted to take the time to recognize Ty on what would have been his first Christmas so I ordered this ornament for our tree.

I also picked this ornament up at Hobby Lobby because the stork did bring us a baby in 2009 just not the way we had hoped.

I've had this blue stocking and a pink stocking for a few years anticipating using them to celebrate this milestone. I finally got to put it on display but wish that Ty was celebrating here on earth instead of in Heaven.

My niece, Hannah, and I went outside to Ty's grave on Tuesday and had to take pictures of this Christmas decoration for him.

Ty's Grandma and Grandpa Hoffer gave us this ornament for Ty.

I gave this ornament to Greg of Ty's feet.

Ty's Grandma and Grandpa Fischer gave this ornament to us for Ty.

Ty's Sweet Cousin Hannah .....

I've been meaning to post this for awhile but have been kind of busy lately. Sometime in October my niece Hannah brought over this pumpkin gourd that she had decorated just for Ty. I kept forgetting to get a picture of it until one day when Hannah was over I decided that I wanted the pictures to be of her holding it.

It says to Ty Fischer from Hannah. And she drew a picture of Ty on it.

Hannah it means so much that you think of Ty as often as you do and do such wonderful things for him. One thing that I was really looking forward to is for you to teach your little cousin everything you know because you are a very smart 6 year old. I know you would've loved on your cousin and protected him whenever you would have been around him. Thanks so much for thinking of Ty this Halloween and Thanksgiving by making this beautiful pumpkin gourd for him. I will forever treasure the pictures I took of you with it. I'm sure Ty is smiling down on you from Heaven and is watching over you very carefully.

October 30th

I was thinking about the importance of today's date off and on all day today. Ty would be 3 months old today if he would've been born on his due date. I would be celebrating my baby's first holiday tomorrow and looking forward to the next two that will be here before I know it. I know I would've dressed Ty up for his first Halloween and I couldn't help but browse the Halloween costumes online to see what he might've been.

Perhaps a cute little horsey!

Or a cute little puppy!

Instead to mark Ty's first Halloween I carved a pumpkin for my angel in heaven.

My Dearest Ty Gavin,

I hope you have the best 1st Halloween in Heaven! Please help watch over all your little cousin's as they go trick-or-treating tomorrow night. I would've loved to have taken your picture with your cousins tomorrow night but instead you will be trick or treating in Heaven with Jesus.

I miss you my precious baby boy.

Love Mommy.

Ty's Candles

I saw this design on a pregnancy loss site and printed it out onto an address label sticker and then I printed another with Ty's name and date on it. I have it sitting on Ty's shelf in our bedroom now.

These candles were all the one's that I lit. The red one in the front is for my husband's cousin Debbie and her husband Dave's son Kolton James who was born at 17 weeks on January 12, 2008 and next to it is Ty's candle. In the back the one on the far right was lit for my brother-in-law Tom and sister-in-law Jennifer's first baby who they lost in the first trimester, the two beside that candle were lit for my friend Jeanine's two 1st trimester loses (she lost babies in between her oldest daughter and son and then between her son and her youngest daughter), the one last one in the back is for all the amazing women whose stories I've read about on a blog or who I know in real life who have also experience a loss. And the tall taper candle is from Ty's Grandma Sandy. She brought that candle and candle holder over to light for Ty.

Next is all the pictures I received from friends and family who lit a candle in rememberance.

Tom and Jennifer's Candle

Grandma Lylia's Candle at work

Tammy's Candle

Patti's Candle

Grandpa Lyle's CandleDonna's Candle

I thank each and everyone of you who lit a candle for Ty. It meant a lot to me and even brightened everything for a few days. May you always remember October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

October 15th

October 15th - Remembering Ty

Tomorrow marks a very important day for me. One that I was dreading and also looking forward to. When we lost our son Ty in March I found out that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was dreading this day because I was thinking how can I ever really celebrate our wedding anniversary (October 14th) knowing the next day (October 15th) I would be remembering the loss of Ty. That day is tomorrow. I type this up as I celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow and it doesn't take away today's celebration. I look forward to lighting a candle for our precious Ty. I'm sending out this email to friends and family tonight because I have had a really tough time with the loss of our son. I do okay with everything for the most part but the one thing that I do not like is that I don't want anyone to forget about him or think that he wasn't real. He was and always will be a special part of Greg's and my lives. Please light a candle at 7:00 tomorrow and let it burn for 1 hour. Remember our son Ty Gavin Fischer who was called to be in heaven with Jesus instead of on earth with his loving parents. Also remember anyone else in your lives who has lost a pregnancy,a baby, or an infant. I know I will also be thinking of my dear sister-in-law Jennifer and the pregnancy she lost in the first trimester, I will think of my friend Jeanine who lost a couple of pregnancies in the first trimester, I will be thinking of my husband's cousin Debbie who lost her second child Kolten James (who is Ty's angel buddy I'm sure) in the second trimester, my friend Missy who lost a few pregnancies in the first trimester and also many of the wonderful women whose blogs helped and continue to help me with my grief over losing Ty. I have one favor to ask of you though. As you light your candle and think of Ty and the other babies please take a picture of that candle for me. Please send me your pictures because I would love to have some pictures of candles lit for Ty to put in his scrapbook. I would be floored if you all could do this for me and I know Ty will be smiling down from heaven knowing how much he's loved by all of you.


October 15th was created to provide support, education and awareness for those who are suffering or may know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant. We hope that we can help you by giving you and all of the other parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, and friends a special day of remembrance. This special day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance is October 15th of every year. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide). Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them."

Robyn Bear, founder of http://www.october15th.com/, and founder of October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day envisioned a day when all grieving parents could come together and be surrounded by love and support from their friends and families, a day where the community could better understand their pain and learn how to reach out to those grieving. This would be a day to reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies’ lives where so brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, there was not a time to talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps, simply didn't know how to reach out. Since October had been proclaimed "Awareness Month", she chose a day, in the middle of the month to become, "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day".

Thanks Aunt Martha!

My Aunt Martha makes beautiful stepping stones. She made Greg and I a couple when we got married and they turned out awesome. Our wedding was a western themed wedding and she put our names and the date of our marriage and used barb wire in the stone. Well .... I went to my cousin's wife Samara's baby shower today and my Aunt Martha brought me 3 stepping stones for Ty's garden. They turned out beautiful. I am just floored by how awesome they look and how nice it was for her to make them for Ty. I was looking for a headstone to put by Ty's grave but didn't have the money to spend on one so my mom asked Martha if she would make a stepping stone for Ty. And this is what she came up with. I absolutely love it!

She practiced first on these two so she could see if she could make it work putting the figurines on top.



I didn't get a chance to put them at Ty's grave but I had to take them out of my trunk and take a picture. I love them so much and am so glad I have such a talented and kind aunt!

Ty's Due Date.

July 30, 2009.

Tomorrow is Ty's due date. I've been having a tough time with this all week. I don't know how to put into words what I feel or what my mind has been thinking these past few days but I do know that I don't want to do nothing. I miss my son so much. I wish so many things for him and for what our lives would have been with him here on earth but no amount of wishing will ever make those things possible. My grief is overwhelming right now. I have to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. It has not been an easy week with my co-worker out on vacation and then throw in what would've been my due date and the emotions along with that and I'm feeling like I'm gonna break. I'm trying to be strong but I almost lost it at work today. Maybe I will have a great day tomorrow. Maybe my son will tell God to bless his mommy with the best day ever since he can't be here to make tomorrow the best day of my life. Please Ty, ask Jesus to give momma a good day tomorrow!!!

I'm gonna stop writing because it will just be the same thing over and over again. Instead I will share with you some pictures that Greg and I took tonight while visiting Ty's grave and remembering our son.

My Mom is a Survivor
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I have heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn’t know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach

That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wares a smile for others...

A smile of disguise.

But through heaven’s open door

I see tears flowing from her eyes

My mom tries to cope with my death

To keep my memory alive.

But to anyone who knows her

Knows it’s her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through heaven’s open door...

I try to tell her

Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her...

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance,

talk to her...

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.

38 Weeks ......

It's been on my mind these past few days of how far along I would be. 38 weeks. Ty would be joining us anyday within the next couple of weeks. It's been 19 weeks since I held my son. I lost Ty at 19 weeks. I miss him. I wish things would've been different and that we would be bringing our first baby home with us anytime. The thing that's getting to me now is how far along I would be and my due date. These next couple of weeks are going to be a little difficult for me. I try not to think too much about it but my mind wonders and my thoughts seem to lead to thoughts about him. I want so badly to have a different outcome. I want so badly to have an answer. I want so badly to wake up one day and not have a dead baby. I want to move on but I'm also scared to move on. I don't want to forget about Ty as if he was never here, but I also don't want to constantly be reminded of what I lost. One of the toughest things in life is losing a baby. I never knew how many people were affected by that and I never knew the feelings involved but now I will always be thinking of it. The last couple of months at my job we've had a few patients that have been seen for miscarriage or complications that are thought to be threatening the baby and everytime I hear about those ladies I always get a little emotional and I want to help in everyway possible. I can't do much and I feel helpless. But I feel for them. I pray for them. I don't know why God chose our story to happen like this but I feel as if there is a reason that I haven't uncovered yet.

I went to a new doctor last Friday to establish care because I switched networks. I was so scared to change jobs partially for the reason of finding a new ob/gyn. Meeting the new doctor was nice and really put my mind at ease that I did choose the right path for my future. I saw a male doctor and I've never been to a male doctor for my female stuff before but he was very nice and answered all my questions and he can even relate to what I've been through because he and his ex-wife lost a baby at 22weeks. I feel pretty confident that he will be the right doctor for me when we start trying to conceive again. He explained a reason why I may have miscarried and it makes perfect sense. Of course it is not an answer and of course we will never know the reason. It gives me hope that I will carry the next baby to term though. I've decided to wait a few more months before trying again because of the emotional healing after a miscarriage. I don't want to wait but I know that with my history of depression I should probably take a few more months to heal.

I fixed the last post so that there isn't a problem to comment anymore. If you tried to comment before and had problems please try again. I thought more people would comment and was disappointed because I wanted to print the comments to put into Ty's scrapbook.

A Letter to Ty ....

I wanted to sit down and take some time to get some thoughts out of my head and I thought the best way to do that is to write this letter. So here goes ....

My Dearest Son Ty,

Mommy misses you so much. I can't believe that it's been 3 1/2 months since I held you in my arms. Even though that was a very painful time for me I would go back to that day just to hold you again. I made a scrapbook about you. I look at it at least once a week. I look at the pictures we have of you, the story of my pregnancy with you, and all the wonderful cards we got. I would be 33 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy with you. You would've been born in 6 weeks if things didn't happen the way they did. You have forever changed my life son. I just wish that you would've changed my life in a different way. I know God has a plan for you. For me. For your daddy. At times it is hard to accept his plan, but at times that is what keeps me going. Believing in him. Believing in his plan for my life. Before you came along Ty, I kind of let myself just exsist. Now I am living my life better and taking steps to overcome the bad habits I acquired over the years. I'm trying to enjoy life more and do what I want to be doing. It makes me sad that you aren't here to be a part of mommy and daddy's lives. It makes me sad that you will never get to know your great grandma, your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. I know that you would've blended in beautifully!


I love you with all my heart Ty! I can't wait to hold you in heaven but until then you keep Grandpa and Grandma Carlson and Grandpa and Grandma Hoffer company.


Love Mommy.


P.S. When we brought you home I bought you these balloons so that everyone who came to be with us that night could all write something to you and we were going to send them up to heaven. Well just like you they left this earth a little too early and no one got to write on them. Mommy wants everyone who reads this blog to write a message to Ty and leave it in the comments (even if you read my blog and I don't know you). Ty would love to hear what you would've said to him had he or the balloons not left this earth so soon.

Ty is Home.

Planting Ty's Garden

Wow I can't believe I haven't posted on here in nearly a month. I've been so busy lately with the new job and trying to get back into a routine that time has just flown by. I am still loving the job. So glad I made the decision to change jobs.


So anyway I've been meaning to post pictures of when we planted Ty's memorial garden. Greg's aunts Doris, Joan, and Shirley, along with his mom Sandy, and his cousin Debbie all came over the Saturday of Memorial Weekend and planted flowers in his garden. The flowers they planted came from their gardens along with a couple my mother in law bought and a few from my friend Jeanine's flower garden. It turned out wonderfully and I've added a few perennials and annuals that I bought. I really need to get outside and take some pictures of how its coming along now.

On Memorial Day Greg and I planted a tree for Ty. I haven't taken a picture of that yet but when I get around to taking the garden pictures I will take a picture of the tree. It's been rainy here the last couple of days and I don't want to get my camera wet.

We also set a date for Ty's burial. It will be this Friday June 12th at 7:00pm. I am looking forward to bringing him home at laying him to rest but I am dreading how I will feel.

Update

It's been almost a month since I last posted so I thought I would update on what's been going on around here. For starters .... I left my old job and started a new job this week! I was really worried about my decision at first. I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do. Now I know that it was. I had such a horrible time when I went back to work 2 weeks after we lost Ty. I thought I was fine at first .... going back to the hospital where I had given birth to Ty. The first day back was hard on me. The morning was fine but the afternoon showed a change in my mood. I didn't know what it was but I now know that I was just longing for my life to be back to the way it was the last time I worked. My life would never be the same. Then I went on FMLA leave. Slowly everday got better. I still ache for my son everday. I still ache to be pregnant still or to get pregnant again. I know I still have some healing to do before I can even think about trying for another child. Everyday has been a challenge for me but I am adjusting to my new life.

The new job is so far wonderful! The people I work with are really nice and seem to be my kind of people. I feel great getting up everday and looking forward to what kinds of things will be going on at the clinic that day. Even though a large part of our patient load is pregnant women it hasn't really gotten to me too much. I actually like seeing the pregnant women! It takes me back to when I was pregnant with Ty and I loved that time. Although it was short lived I would go through the heartache and pain all over again just to be carrying him again. The one thing that did get to me the other day was a 9-week pregnant woman coming in for spotting after already having 2 miscarriages. It broke my heart. I didn't get to meet the patient because I needed to go to the main hospital for training that afternoon but when she booked her appointment I felt for her. Miscarriage is awful. I hate that that word has become an everday part of my thoughts.

Another thing I love now is that I get to wear regular clothes (for the time being until I get my uniforms back from being embroidered). It feels good to wear dress clothes again. It feels good to actually take pride in my appearance. When I was wearing scrubs at my old job I really didn't care. Everday was wake up and shower and throw on a pair of scrubs. Now I get to wake up and shower and think about what I get to wear. What ever I am in the mood for that day!

In my new job I get to do a lot of different tasks. I love that. It keeps me busy and the day goes so fast. And I haven't even been fully trained in yet. There's still so much more to learn and so much that I will be getting to do on my own that I am just loving everything about it. It takes me back to when I covered for a pregnant coworker at the Family Medicine clinic. I loved when I got to work over there and the everyday tasks I got to do. It takes me back to being truly HAPPY. A time that allowed me to get pregnant in the first place. I am looking forward to that point again.

So other then the new job I guess up until this last week I was just trying to heal and trying to get past the initial heartbreak of losing our son. It gets easier but it's not over. Somedays are alot better then others. I also had been spending some time on Ty's scrapbook. I have done from pregnancy to miscarriage but I still want to put more into it. I want to include his Easter Lily and my first Mother's Day, I want to include his burial, his due date and his angelversary and just things in the future that I had looked forward to. I don't have much from his short existence but he still exists. He will always exist to us.

Last night my husband and I spent some quality time together. I loved when I was on leave and got to spend more time with him .... but now that I am back working I don't get to spend as much time with him or talk to him as much as I like too so last night we went to the big town for supper to celebrate Mother's Day. We did a little shopping for plants for our garden and went out to Applebee's for supper. It was nice being able to spend some time together and I can't wait until the next time. It is so hard being married to a farmer who doesn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done let alone give his wife the attention and time she needs. I should be used to it by now but I guess this year hasn't exactly been easy for either of us. I do love my husband though and wouldn't trade him for anybody else in the world.

Happy Easter!

Today would've been our first holiday I was pregnant (that we knew). I would've been 24 weeks. That would've been nice. Instead today was our first holiday without Ty. The day didn't really get me down too much. I was looking forward to going to church because of it being Easter and knowing that we ordered an Easter Lily in memory of our son Ty Gavin Fischer.

Every year at Easter (Lily) and Christmas (Pointsetta) my mother-in-law has always purchased two plants with one being in memory of and the other being in honor of. I took a picture of the paper today. Not only did my mother-in-law acknowledge Ty but so did my sister-in-law Sheri and her family. Thank you Sandy and Sheri!
Click on Picture to read it better

I've been meaning to blog since the other night but time gets away from me. I attended my first support group the other night. It's called Angel Babies. I was very nervous and didn't really feel like going but I did. There were a lot of people there. A few couples, a daughter and her mother, and mothers. Heartbreaking stories. I can't believe how much some people go through. I know what I went through was bad enough but these other families stories touched my heart. When it came time to tell my story I didn't think I could do it. I just talked and stared at the table. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. But I was able to tell my story and because of that I feel better. I feel as though I am not alone. I actually now know another mother, another father, another family who have gone through similar circumstances. That reminds me that I am not alone. I didn't cry at the meeting. I thought I would and I don't know why I didn't. I guess part of it may be because a portion of my healing has been to look at the blogs of women who have been through a miscarriage and by hearing each and every story it gets a little easier to hear. I think I teared up a little while I was talking about Ty. As I sit here and type I think of him and tear up a bit. I am looking forward to the next support group next month. I think it helps tremendously. I got to bring home three books that deal with miscarriage and although I haven't began any of them I look forward to reading them and look forward to healing more. It still hurts so much to live each day without Ty. Without him being in my belly and without him being with us. I keep thinking about the future and I can't even imagine it or dream about it because I think about the biggest plan ..... children. I can't think about that without thinking about what I lost. I hope I can heal and I hope I can imagine and dream about the future again someday soon.

A Wish List ....

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

(Found on http://www.our-sma-angels.com/abbylynn/wishlist.htm blog reprinted with permission from, Compassionate Friends, Oakbrook Illinois)

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.
I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.
I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.
I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy".
Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.
Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT...I pray daily that you will never understand.

4 Weeks

It's been 4 weeks since we lost Ty. Everyday seems to be getting better and better. It still consumes my every thought though. That's the hardest part. I try not to think about it too much but I can't help thinking about that wonderful time that he with us. I came across a website the other day and now I think I know what may have caused Ty to stop breathing. I'm not going to point out what I think that is and we will never know what happened but if I allow myself to think I know what happened I have a better handle on things. Does that make sense? I don't blame anyone and I don't blame myself. It gives me comfort thinking that I know what may have caused our son to take his last breath. And I will accept it. Everything that I have been through since finding out that I was going to be a mom has made me a stronger person. I thank God for that. I have struggled with a lot of things over the years and right now I am almost at a place where I am comfortable with my life. With myself. I wish more than anything to go back to March 9th and hear a beating heart on the ultrasound. That is not going to happen so I have allowed myself some time to question everything and allowed myself time to heal. To wrap my head around things. Time does ease pain.

3 Weeks

It has been three weeks since we lost Ty. It hasn't gotten much easier. Everday I think about him. Everyday I think why? Everday I wish things could be back to normal. Everday I miss him. I haven't cried very much lately. Today I cried. Today I had a good conversation with Greg about everything and I cried. I needed that. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow may be a good day. Tomorrow may be a bad day, but tomorrow is another day. Another day that I get to live this life and try to make it a good day. Slowly I am getting better. Slowly.

Follow Up Doctor Appointment

I had my follow up with the doctor today. We went over the lab work they did on me and everything came back normal. No answers as to why Ty died. Which in the long run is probably a good thing because we shouldn't be concerned with anything that we did/didn't do, but it also means we don't have any answers. Nothing to try differently next time. Hopefully there will be a next time. If there is they will monitor me closely. I was already looking online the other night at fetal dopplers. I want to be able to rest easily every night knowing if the next baby has a heartbeat but then again I might just drive myself crazy with it so who knows. I know that this has forever changed my heart and my worriness level. I thought I worried before but I am going to be so paranoid from here on out.

It has been a very long week. I went back to work on Monday. The morning went fine but in the afternoon I don't know why my mood changed but I suddenly got depressed. My coworker Nikki knew that something was going on and that I got quieter. I don't know what it was but I just got so sad and so lonely. Monday night on the way home it was starting to storm and I had a feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get to work the next day and thought about staying with my folks in town but I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my husband. I wanted the comfort of his arms. It was 2 weeks since the day our world turned upside down and it was on my mind as I drove home. I called in on Tuesday morning that I wasn't going to be in because of the weather. All day Tuesday I was very depressed. I pretty much slept the day away. It was blizzarding outside and I felt like I was trapped. I didn't want to be home and missing work so I became more depressed. I didn't want to be a mother who lost her child. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. I had some very thoughts on life and living. Thoughts that scared me. I knew I had to be strong and overcome those thoughts becuase I knew what it would do to my family if I acted on those thoughts. I went to bed depressed. I went to bed grieving for Ty. It was 2 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping baby. I was longing for myself to still be pregnant. Hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. The next morning when I woke up it wasn't a bad dream. I was still without my little boy. I got depressed again and felt like giving up. I called in to work and said I was having a hard time. I crawled back into bed and slept my morning away. When I woke up I felt better. I got up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I did some laundry and dishes and felt better about my life and myself.

So today I went to work. I felt good. It was a good day. Crappy roads but a good day. My morning went by pretty fast until 10:00 when I was called into my supervisors office. Thats when my day turned bad. I was told that I needed to go on a leave of absence or else I wouldn't have a job. Well of course I am going to take a leave of absence. Nothing with my job has gone right since November. When I got pregnant. I missed a bunch of work in November because I was sick and then my grandma died and I can't remember if there was bad weather in there or not, and then December I was sick and of course there was bad weather, and then in January I got really depressed because I got in trouble for being gone so much prior to that and I almost lost my job then but they let me come up with an action plan for my absences. Well around that time I found out I was pregnant and that my sickness was morning sickness and that my depression was pretty much my hormones changing. Well I kinda forgot about the action plan the other night because I haven't exactly been myself lately. In the action plan I was to stay at my parents house when there is inclement weather. The weather forecast was predicting a big storm ...... but I didn't want to think about a big storm because I had enough going on in my head and I was just trying to get through one day at a time. So anyway to make a long story short I am on FMLA for a few weeks. I know I wasn't ready to go back to work on Monday. I just didn't want to be at home by myself thinking about everything and I knew that they needed me at work so I went back. I wasn't ready. I want to think that was but I wasn't. Tomorrow might be a good day. The day after might be better. The day after that may be a bad day. And then the day after that may be a good day again. I don't know. I need to take it one day at a time and time will ease my pain. It won't go away. I will never let go of this experience. I will never forget about Ty. But time will make it better. So if thats what it takes I'm willing to take some time to get better.