Ty's Due Date.

July 30, 2009.

Tomorrow is Ty's due date. I've been having a tough time with this all week. I don't know how to put into words what I feel or what my mind has been thinking these past few days but I do know that I don't want to do nothing. I miss my son so much. I wish so many things for him and for what our lives would have been with him here on earth but no amount of wishing will ever make those things possible. My grief is overwhelming right now. I have to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. It has not been an easy week with my co-worker out on vacation and then throw in what would've been my due date and the emotions along with that and I'm feeling like I'm gonna break. I'm trying to be strong but I almost lost it at work today. Maybe I will have a great day tomorrow. Maybe my son will tell God to bless his mommy with the best day ever since he can't be here to make tomorrow the best day of my life. Please Ty, ask Jesus to give momma a good day tomorrow!!!

I'm gonna stop writing because it will just be the same thing over and over again. Instead I will share with you some pictures that Greg and I took tonight while visiting Ty's grave and remembering our son.

My Mom is a Survivor
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I have heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn’t know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach

That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wares a smile for others...

A smile of disguise.

But through heaven’s open door

I see tears flowing from her eyes

My mom tries to cope with my death

To keep my memory alive.

But to anyone who knows her

Knows it’s her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through heaven’s open door...

I try to tell her

Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her...

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance,

talk to her...

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.

38 Weeks ......

It's been on my mind these past few days of how far along I would be. 38 weeks. Ty would be joining us anyday within the next couple of weeks. It's been 19 weeks since I held my son. I lost Ty at 19 weeks. I miss him. I wish things would've been different and that we would be bringing our first baby home with us anytime. The thing that's getting to me now is how far along I would be and my due date. These next couple of weeks are going to be a little difficult for me. I try not to think too much about it but my mind wonders and my thoughts seem to lead to thoughts about him. I want so badly to have a different outcome. I want so badly to have an answer. I want so badly to wake up one day and not have a dead baby. I want to move on but I'm also scared to move on. I don't want to forget about Ty as if he was never here, but I also don't want to constantly be reminded of what I lost. One of the toughest things in life is losing a baby. I never knew how many people were affected by that and I never knew the feelings involved but now I will always be thinking of it. The last couple of months at my job we've had a few patients that have been seen for miscarriage or complications that are thought to be threatening the baby and everytime I hear about those ladies I always get a little emotional and I want to help in everyway possible. I can't do much and I feel helpless. But I feel for them. I pray for them. I don't know why God chose our story to happen like this but I feel as if there is a reason that I haven't uncovered yet.

I went to a new doctor last Friday to establish care because I switched networks. I was so scared to change jobs partially for the reason of finding a new ob/gyn. Meeting the new doctor was nice and really put my mind at ease that I did choose the right path for my future. I saw a male doctor and I've never been to a male doctor for my female stuff before but he was very nice and answered all my questions and he can even relate to what I've been through because he and his ex-wife lost a baby at 22weeks. I feel pretty confident that he will be the right doctor for me when we start trying to conceive again. He explained a reason why I may have miscarried and it makes perfect sense. Of course it is not an answer and of course we will never know the reason. It gives me hope that I will carry the next baby to term though. I've decided to wait a few more months before trying again because of the emotional healing after a miscarriage. I don't want to wait but I know that with my history of depression I should probably take a few more months to heal.

I fixed the last post so that there isn't a problem to comment anymore. If you tried to comment before and had problems please try again. I thought more people would comment and was disappointed because I wanted to print the comments to put into Ty's scrapbook.